i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
