youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
