You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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