If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
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