How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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