If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
