dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
