just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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