you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
