um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
