I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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