I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
