i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
