He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
