Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
