I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize