Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He passed out mid-signature
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
