Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
