Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am mentally ready for anal.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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