Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
