See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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