It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize