It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
