My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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