Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
