I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
