ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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