Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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