I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
