This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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