omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
