i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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