Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
