so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
