i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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