Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
