I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
