I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
