Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
