Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
