I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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