Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i would one night stand the shit outta him
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
