Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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