I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
