Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
