A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
