Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize