i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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