the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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