Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
