I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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