Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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