first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
