Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
