Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
