you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i've created a new STD.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
