It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize